


The Issue With The Non-Issue

by seraphina_snape



Category: The Middleman (TV)
Genre: At the same time, F/M, Gen, Male-Female Friendship, Mostly Gen, and slay monsters, obviously, wendy and the middleman talk about his and lacey's epic love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-25
Updated: 2015-01-25
Packaged: 2018-03-08 03:38:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3193880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seraphina_snape/pseuds/seraphina_snape
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fighting tentacle monsters and having serious relationship discussion. You know, your basic Tuesday morning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Issue With The Non-Issue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [vesperlynds](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vesperlynds/gifts).



> Written for mravenwood on Jan 2. Now that the comment is unscreened, I can post it here. Enjoy!

"Okay," Wendy said, "here's the thing." She twirled her machete and threw it clear across the room, pinning the last waving tentacle to the floor.

"Is now really the time, Dubbie?"

Wendy snorted. "Are you kidding me? This is the perfect time! At least with the tentacle monster from the swamp here, you can't run away the moment I mention the L-word."

"Love?" the Middleman hazarded a guess.

The tentacle monster groaned and slowly started to roll over. With a loud squelching noise, the pinned tentacles separated from the body and runny, yellow-green ichor started spreading over the floor.

Wendy didn't seem to have noticed, so intense was the 'you know exactly what I'm talking about so stop pretending' look she threw in his direction.

"Lacey," Wendy said. "Lacey, Lacey, Lacey."

The Middleman shifted uncomfortably. He reached into his pocket and took out his Mark 2.0 Supercharged Instant Demoleculizer, the small device standing in stark contrast to the rather large tentacle monster.

"Lacey really likes you, okay?" Wendy said. She bent down and took her backup gun out of her ankle holster, swapping the standard magazine for one loaded with incendiary rounds. "And I think we both know you like her. In fact, that other L-word that you so conveniently tried to use to distract me from the real issue wasn't too far off."

She aimed and fired in the general direction of the tentacle monster's assumed head. The rather shapeless mass didn't give many clues as to where vital organs might be located.

"Really, Dubbie," the Middleman admonished. he gestured to the tentacle monster that had re-grown at least 80% of its tentacles by now. "We seem to be in a bit of a pickle here, and you're talking about non-work related issues."

"Ah-ha!" Wendy said. "So you admit there's an issue here!"

"The Middleman handbook, chapter five, section 19. Personal--"

"No," Wendy interrupted him. "The issue between you and Lacey."

"There is nothing between Lacey and I."

"And that's the issue!" Wendy said, sounding almost triumphant even though he had admitted to nothing. Then she jumped to the side to avoid a tentacle. "Maybe you could try hitting it with the SID. If demoleculizing it doesn't help, then we're in a pickle."

The Middleman huffed out a breath and aimed his weapon. "This is your last warning," he said to the tentacle monster. "We are authorized to disintegrate your molecular integrity if you do not surrender."

The tentacle monster flung two tentacles at him at once, the re-grown appendages dripping with ichor. The Middleman took a second to frown down at his previously immaculate uniform - now sprinkled with ichor that was slowly eating through the fabric - and fired.

The tentacle monster quivered and shook and both he and Wendy took a step back, and then another when the shaking intensified. Thankfully, however, the monster broke down into a shower of liquid that merely flooded the floor instead of exploding in their faces.

"So," Wendy said, shaking one of her feet to get the liquid off before it ate through the leather. "As I was saying. You and Lacey. Are you ever going to do something about it? Because if not, I feel morally obligated as Lacey's best friend to help her get her guy in any way I can. And as your employee-slash-friend, I feel doubly obligated."

The Middleman tilted his head to the side, contemplating the issue. Lacey was far safer if she wasn't involved with him, but that didn't change the fact that they felt a mutual attraction and that Lacey was, due to her friendship with Wendy and Wendy's inability to conform to the handbook rule about personal relationships, already in a constant state of danger. Technically, she might be safer in his company than anywhere else.

"There is a special screening of Ride Lonesome at 8 pm tonight. I suppose, if Lacey is amenable and doesn't have any previous plans--"

"Oh, thank god," Wendy interrupted. "The mutual pining was unbearable." She coughed. "I mean, I'm sure Lacey's free tonight. And I've got your back, boss! Any calls will be handled by yours truly so you two can enjoy an evening of uninterrupted fun."

"Thank you, Wendy. That is very considerate of you." The Middleman smiled sweetly. "Perhaps you can start by decontaminating this site, alerting and supervising the clean-up crew and writing today's incident report."

Wendy's self-satisfied smirk dropped from her face and she stared down at the large puddle of melted tentacle monster. "Aw, man, that is just not fair!"

The Middleman turned on his heel and headed for the car, whistling as he dialed Lacey's number to ask her out.


End file.
